This terrible persistent cold of mine is draining my all energy. My vocal cord are damaged!! They are sounding so harsh that I can sing Lata Mangeshkar songs in K L Saigal's voice!!!!! It is a terrible lousy condition to be in. I blame it to my low immune system or to this changing climate over here.Yep the heat waves are in.......If its so hot in February Month then what I will do in May?? I think its matter of adjusting yourself!! You get used to if you don't have choice......but right now I do have so I won't be here in that time of years!!
Self Indulgent!!! Ha Ha haaa......thats gonna be my favorite subject in this journey!!!! But really because of this cold & no other activities I am complied in the bed. So I am totally with my inner self!! Really loneliness will make you either very spiritual or self analytical....you start analyzing your past and automatically about yourself too. Then depending on your memory's journey good or bad you refreshes yourself. My friend....always argues with me that she has been advised not to dwell in the past and my arguments is that ya you shouldn't..don't dwell in the past but do remember your past. In my opinion you yourself is past. Your birth,growing up,indolence age,marriage,struggles establishing yourself.....your first feeling of love, the first fulfilment, the first disappointment, the birth of your firstborn these all are your past!! Even my this word after typing will become past...
Remembering your past makes you what actually you are!! Yes dwelling or being stuck on particular past is damaging, it makes you stronger on your traits depending good past or bad past!! For myself I mostly remember good past.For me it is always such a joy to go down the memory lane. I see lot of happy memories. I make myself to remember those people who has made my life more enjoyable,more breathable. And yes except some non important people do bring bad past.....but I don't dwell in it.
And yes very dear own people sometimes due to their circumstances will also bring bad past...... but here I want to to talk about my one trait which allows me to handle the past in very subtle nature. I have many character flaws which I have made publish in this blog. But this peticuler one I am noticing nowadays mostly. Anyway, I am going to talk about about this character trait of mine that is equal parts of blessing and curse. "I am adaptable".
Seriously, put me any situation,anywhere and after an initial phase of shock or anger or sorrow, I will figure a way to be happy. Depending on the gravity of the situations, it may take few hours or few months!! I will adjust myself,my attitude,my point of views. In some dramatic cases may be I take some more time but all in all never I have found myself in despair!! I have always compromised or has given other people little breathing space,even though my own breathing becomes little heavy. I know on the surface this is a good thing. Its what keeps me going and prevent some my very close at heart loved ones for staying with me,understanding me,love me and mostly leave me alone whenever I want to be.
Now the curse side....whenever the ugly situations comes, negative energy feed your own ones.....you become one of them......when you have to take aggressive decision.....you have to be there......adapt the situation.....I easily become part of it. So many times I have become part of those horrible,wronged situations!! So many times knowingly or unknowing I have created bad past because of my this bad trait. But thats the way I am!! And the fact is one of our ways of coping or adjusting whatever you call it it is a way of embracing our own nature and it should be in good ways. At least I think so.
So I think my good side of this trait also helps me remembering my past and readjusting with bad past!! In that situations I feel proud & libreted!! And in the bad side acording to me is I get the blame!! My own heart makes me guilty.I suffer!! But thats the two sides of one coin!! You can't seperat them.
Love lives in sealed bottles of regrets!!!
love always billa driftwood.
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