The Family...

Me & My Sisters"s Family (only Gardner is missing)



The Gardner's Family

   I am so tempted to write on this subject that surely will annoy so many... so I think I shall have to contain it to myself in detail and keep away from it... The other day my euphoric chef commented by reading one of post that, Ma, you cannot write this so openly, and hurt someone by  writing their names... Well I don't have any intentions to hurt anybody or make them feel uncomfortable... but if I have felt what I have written, about them in the manner of what I have expressed then those are only my point of views...which is more important to me... Like I said in my previous post this blog is my space to express my views and how I feel.

    Today I am goanna express my views of famliy.There is a lot to be said for families. They can make you or break you.

    In making of family, it is always good in the beginning when everyone is struggling to make their places in their rightful world. When everyone wants to be needed by everyone in their all prospects. It is always vice-versa needs of different aspects to different family members. While nothing is enduring or perfect, generally a family will help you live to your potential and help you survive when times are rough & tough. They are definitely dynamic when they are made... Staying together always helps the weaker person to fight or embrace his or her  weaker side.

    And now about the other part of breaking of family... It is always seem that one strong sibling will take care of other weak sibling. Initially it starts with a very noble & simple ways... and then other elements like added spouses, growth of everything on each side, ego, circumstances etc...Adds up and boom. Any party of the ones who helped & the ones  who got help, starts behaving very differently... Now once it was all under deep currents, surfaces on the out, upper. Now those unspoken words, those oppressed actions all of suddenly takes places on the front. First it was always,’ OURS' all of suddenly becomes,’ MINE.' The strong support of comforting each other falls apart... Mostly because of all kind of these feelings or attitudes like, I did everything for you all & now you have forgotten...OR..So what? It was long time ago & now we all are same, and we don't need you now .OR Now he has more than me (monetary) and he is more reputable and popular then me in this society. OR Now our social needs are complete so we don't have to fulfill other’s social obligations. This kind of EGO clashes. Everybody gets hurt. Strong bond becomes weak. The less fortunate person stays on a loss. Not in my view monetary wise but emotionally fool wise gets hurt mostly. It breaks his or her quest for staying together.

    Once upon a time (now thats quite likely) I also felt being less fortunate... At some point of my life I also felt disturbed, angry by some fortunate (thats what they think in different manner then mine) family members, their comments, their attitudes, their ingratitude. (Yes I confess here my ego did surfaced)) May be I must have been also reacted in the same manner, but right now I am expressing only my pain... I shall not mention them by their names because they will be never acknowledged or entertained. As per my point of views, they were ignorant and absolutely wrong in their actions and accusations... By confronting or even acknowledging them, it means accepting their behaviors to me. So that was not permitable.

    I will be never inspired by wrong thoughts and its ugly reactions. Especially not by others. Same with my none-acceptable behavior decision. I don't want to get involved in anything where personalities can clashes. I like to be alone, which is fortunate for me. I will allow this matter to rest and wait for its reactions. By doing this I feel proud & liberated. I strongly believe that my actions and my beliefs in my life at this age should not change. I am taught by my mother's principles, that  સારાનું હમેશા સારુજ જ થાશે , means good deeds remains always good, when done with some rapidity. And I am pretty sure it will give me good reimbursement… I don't want any reward or reorganization but I want my deeds, feelings in same reciprocation of how I functioned...

    But apart from this still I think, its

very important & necessary to have joint family.

     It’s very important that we tell our family stories to our next generation, so they would know their heritage, their ancestor’s hardships, their struggles to make today’s family work in progressive ways in all matters. In my point of view family gathering should be must where we can revive the old cherished & poignant memories in very non hostile manners... after all once we did shared those memories together...

    The rest I think is up to destiny. I have strong faith in what goes, comes around philosophy. Now I also believe with my experiences that changes in the family are always interesting transitions. You just need to get adjusted. And believe me I am getting there!!

   Someone remarked

that you had only brought me  pain

I quickly corrected them

that you had only brought me joy

And it was the loss, of this joy

that I have interpreted as pai.

कितने इस भिडमे अपने है पराये कितने

पड रहे है मेरी दीवार में साये कितने

एक पत्थर है किसी एक ने फेंका होगा

आइना टुटा तो चेहरे नज़र आये कितने...

love always as ever billa driftwood

The Goals In The Life...

A farmer had a dog that used to sit by roadside waiting for vehicles to come around. As soon as one comes he would run down the road, barking and trying to overtake it. One day a neighbor asked the farmer,” Do you think your dog is ever going to catch a car? The farmer replied, “That’s not what bothers me. What bothers me is what he would do if he ever caught one”.

    What do you do when you finally get what you thought you wanted, but when actually getting it, understand that you liked the idea of getting it, than actually getting it,. AND IT’S NOT LIKE YOU CAN RETURN IT!!! What do you do?

     Yesterday at party, interesting conversation happened…some were complaining about today’s generation’s lack of not achieving goals in their life!! And I thought opposite… I think today’s kids are more focused & more specific in their choices then us. They have their own ideas of making & fulfilling their goals & life. The only difference between us is, they have various & wide choices. Failure becomes part of their learning process, as they intend to get another chance, another opportunity, another project, another field… but we the parents once wanted to be like them… all of suddenly becomes like our own parents & starts behaving like from old school…How cannot you trust your own creation?  And we call ourselves smart & intelligence!!  If we can bloom so fine in restricted environment…then these kids are definitely gonna be flower head of any beautiful garden. They definitely will outsmart us…

   I personally think running aimlessly after your goal (only to satisfy other people in your life) damages you & people around you… I think when choosing our goals we create (Maybe with help of influences also) we create this phantom images of who we think we need to be…I am not saying that there may be not things about ourselves that need reflection or change…but I think there should be a wisdom in choosing and be happy with who you are & what you are doing and letting that be OK. We have to select purposeful goal to balance out our status for our own good…

   Personally I have never been great at setting goals. I’ve things I want to get it done sure, but I won’t run blindly after them to make it done… I am not good at making & keeping track of anything… I can keep up with so many details in my head it freaks me out sometimes. At other times I can’t even remember the less significant event…but one thing I know that I can create myself happy. And you can make other people or surroundings happy only when you are comfortable with yourself, your job, your life. And that is only possible when you have achieved little of your so called goal…

   But I do know this… God wants us to make the most of every opportunities, to cherish the moments we are living, accepting all our failures only to surpass for new opening… Yes planning is important (Goals) on so many different levels, only you need in my point of views are discipline, focusing, & mostly ability of recognizing the opportunities…but if you miss out on the now don’t worry, you will get another chance, just recognize it & adopt it with more discipline…

    The Gardner is back from India & I will be busy in……what you thought? Ha? Yep in the kitchen…where else? After living in India for some time, pampered by Amrit &  Vishwanath, (My house help back in India) I don’t feel good working in domestic area…my body revolts…and the tenderness of my body take places in various parts, especially in my mind… it becomes forgetful, ( I forget how to cook) my craving for food goes on misplaced .(Because here in USA I have become so used to on snacks like chevdas, samosas & mostly on my Supple big sis’s food in his absence) But what you can do… I have to be good wife to get good in return… so here billa goes in the kitchen & make traditional Gujju food. Life is still beautiful!!

   I should show my gratification by reading all comments by my candid little sister & show appreciation that she reads & enjoy my blog. Thanks for traveling with me on this soulful journey of mine…I promise you we will wander to many places where we wanted to go & cherish many beautiful or poignant moments…because we are soulful sisters & always find happiness in every moments... Yep I love our sisterhood.

Soul Sisters

                                                     

                 I see multiple possibilities of chances and choices

                                              In my dreams.

                                 Only I don’t have to wake up.

दरिया की जिंदगी पर सदके हज़ार जाने

मुजको नहीं गंवारा साहिल की मौत मरना.

Love as always billa driftwood

Me, Myself & I...

Well, I know that this is a late for my introduction, but I was asked by some friends that I should write something about me! Ha-ha… What I can write? I was born in Itola (Gujarat) at my mother’s place, raised in Karamsad, my father’s place, & lived in Bombay, Gandhidham, & Charlotte (USA). My life has been a kaleidoscope of different cultures & people.

Karmsad

1975

           We had a joint family living in Bombay (City) of two brothers. 11 siblings & four parents & not forgetting Foi(Aunt) living only few yards away!! In sixties the house was getting full with so many other cousins or relatives who would end up living in the house for some XYZ reasons. So my Uncle & Aunt decided to live in Karamsad (Hometown). So my taciturn middle sister & I at the age of eight moved with them. I did my schooling there. There I made my lifelong friends. Resh, Renu & pratima. The unforgettable faces which made some or none significant impact in my life… Deepakben, Nirmalben, patel Sir, Mahesh, KP, Bakul,Maniba, Pandit Maharaj, Labhu......Ba,Bapuji, Laxmikaki, Akuji…The most good traits of myself I got here are survival instinct  & self respect. (Or pride) The belonging to the roots. Too fight against the odds. I was always bold; dare devil kind of teen ager, who loved to mingle with people…which sometimes were wrong choices…but in my point of view that made me learn to know the other side of the nature too.  Karamsad bringing-up gave me wide angle to understand, how society (Samaj…)) works in a traditionally ways & so on…Apart from some disturb memories… I think I had my best years of my life here…But staying away from my parents…has always haunted me.                                                          

     Marriage to the Gardner brought me to the Gandhidham. I bloomed in multicultural society of this city. Here I learned how the other society(not like our samaj)) works…different people from different state…everything was different, the language, the code of dressing, the food, the beliefs & many more…I felt like I was thrown in the totally new world, but with the patience & understanding from The Gardner I immediately felt at home. The atmosphere of this city sharpened my wit, my daringness, my ability to open my mind & most importantly my love of life. Here I met The Gardner’s friend V-Gujral… whom I made him my kind of Soul-Friend…Here I made my life’s only best friend A-Kothary . Here also there are so many unforgettable faces which made some or non significant impact in my life…Sandy, Gopal, Hans Family, Behanji, Pooja, Ritu, Chand, Dr Hansaben.....another A-Kothary, Shakuben Family, Motiabhai & many more. I think my most loved years happened here…

1986 USA

    Blessed with two boys again we moved to in the totally new world, Charlotte, USA. Aahhh… not only different society, but totally different country… but here we had The Gardner’s family… family of nine brothers & sisters… so strange here it was a fusion of our society (our samaj)) & other culture…and guess what yep my both persona from back homes made me easy to settled down here…The international culture has taught me to be more modest & practical. Here I became more close to my oldest bhabhi Vidulabhabhi. (Great loss from her demise)) Here I made friend with Dotsy, who pioneered me in learning of the ways of how this society works…here I met again Resh after so many years… and man again the old friendship flourished in the new environment…Here I made some cherished relationships & lost it too…here also many non-forgettable significant faces happened pinku,(I am trying to find right blog name for him)) Nayan, Savitaben, Supple oldest sister Pragnaben ,Taciturn middle sister Koki and my Candid little sister Kshama… and  others in my opinion they were insignificant in my life…….On sunny side I am very in high spirits that my Silver Tongue son has finally found his love of life…& The Euphoric Chef is doing great in his standpoint life. I think my most learning years happened here…

My Parents

    I was a theist but only recently that I have discovered my faith and that has given me enormous peace.(thanks to my parents illness)) My time spent with my parents in their illness has given me more wisdom, the understanding of human physiology, to let go, ( anything) the meaning of sacrifice & mostly indifferences of relationships. (May be not in true sense in my father's point of view)) They both are epitome for me in my life. Their life is like a GITA or BIBLE to me… any question of my life gets an answer from  it…At this point family( my own created, not by nature's)) is the most essential part in my life… I believe now everything is pre-destining, but you are given a various choices to get it done in life. Now I strongly believe that people always come into your life for a REASON or SEASON…nothing is permanent except only being you. But apart from this life is still beautiful & still attracts me with its full energy!!

    About me I will be little modest…I panic easily on non important matters & can stay cool on serious one too… I am loving, caring, have strong mentality, loves attention, adventures, aggressive, hasty, and lazy in certain way & emotionally fool kind of a person. My consciences does not allow myself to escape from … my commitments, my desire to make my family more close nit…although everyone has their own right to act upon their choices.

Radhasoami

    I am thankful to my Malik for his Mehar & gave me a probability of being a life partner of The Gardner.( In my heart I know that he is big looser having me in his life)) I am very gratified to those who went with me & stayed with me through my this beautiful journey of life. I am also indebted to those people & situations which made me question about integrity of life, love, friendship & relationships… because without them I couldn’t have balanced out my journey of life

   This blog of mine is a bit & bits of my thoughts, feelings, imaginations and flight of fancy. And I hope to discover different facets of myself in this process. On my more about life and mortality, my ill will & exposures… may be someday…I will indulge more…as this blog is my space. I shall never fear to fill it the way I desire to...

                                         A Gypsy woman said

                            Ask your question about your life

                                        Will give you an answer.

                But I don’t want to be given answer. I want to find them.

                   I won’t ask you for an answer just point me a direction

                                   And I will find my answer.

કથા મારા જીવનની પૂર્ણ  થઇ ગઈ બે જ પ્રકરણમાં

મુકદર બાગમાં લાવ્યું, મોહબત્ત લઇ ગઈ રણમાં.

                   'બેફામ'

Love as ever billa driftwood.

   

  

The learning process

I have learned that no matter how smart you feel, the learning process never ends! Every day, every moment you learn something willingly or not. Since I have started writing this blog my skill of computer is getting better & better, thanx to my euphoric chef son & Candid little sister. First my son said that my written English is not right… I write, the way I speak…Ha-ha… then my sister told me I need to check my grammar & spellings! Since I am from Guajarati medium school we both agreed that I can learn that only from knowing little more of computer. But how can I improve my spoken English? I don’t think so…at this age I think I am better off with this much ability. The people who knows me, know my expression, what I say, what I feel they do understand. (Including you both my critics…Ha-ha)

My Critics

  But honestly with their guidance I am improving…like I read my blog more than twice(one time loudly…advised by both critics)& yes I have learned to write my blog in Microsoft Word with spell & grammar check & copy back on my blog!! Hurray…but sorry son you have to bear me with my spoken written language only. I can see your expression right now…hahahahahaaaaaaaa.

  Well, I was talking about learning, you always learn from people, situations, and mistakes and mostly from your experiences from life. The learning process is like never ending story. So I am going to write what I have learned from my experiences… good OR bad.

I have learned that it takes years to build up trust & only seconds to destroy.

I have learned that no matter how much I care, some people just don’t come back.

I have learned that you cannot make someone love you.

I have learned that even when you think you have no more to give but when your loved one cries out to you, you will find the strength to help.

I have learned that with your own family you have to do what has to be done, when it need to be done, regardless of the consequences.

I have learned that we are responsible for what we do, no matter how we feel.

I have learned that you can do something in an instant that will give you heartache for life.

I have learned that sometimes when I am angry, I do have the right to be angry but that doesn’t give me right to be cruel.

I have learned that no matter how bad your heart is broken, the world doesn’t stop for your grief.

I have learned that you should not be eager to find out a secret. It could change your life forever.

I have learned that two people can look at same thing & see something totally different.

I have learned that the people you care about most in life are sometimes taken away from you soon.

I have learned that life is still interesting & beautiful even after so many ups & downs in life.

   Well, well…like I told you I am still learning… I will be back with my new knowledge…..

When I was confronted by a problem, I cried.

When my problems grew I became silent,

Now my problems increased even further I laugh.

After all I have to live & exist in this world. By: Harivansh Bacchan.

Love as always billa driftwood.

If I Were.....

  Picked up this Tag from a blog....just for just fun.....well I noticed on my previous views that I am getting little serious...so here I am having some fun....what I will be if???

 1. If I were a Month.... March, because I was born in this Month and its Zodiac sign is Pisces....most feminine sign.

2. If I were a day..... Any day will do...but Wednesday is preferred as it’s my birth day.

3. If I were time of day..... Definitely night time. I am a night bird Owl. I find most my active self during the night!! My mind gets alert at past midnight & fills up with more creative ideas. I reconnect with me myself!!

4. If I were Seasons.... Spring...New blossoms...cool breeze... lots of natural colors.

5. If I were a Planet..... Mercury...again because it is a my Rashi (Ruling Planet at my birth) Planet I do feel influenced by its good alignment with other planets,

6. If I were Furniture.... Of Course what else? A bed only...a lazy person like me can think of what else?

7. If I were Liquid... Water... the elixir of the life. To be more specific I don't mind little liquor and fresh lime in it.

8. If I were a Tree..... Banyan tree (Vad in my native language) back at my home town Karamsad there were huge Banyan tree near pond area. We used to make a zula (swing) on its branches and lots of memories....and besides that I love the shape of the tree too.

9. If I were a Tool......Hamm Scissors....may be it does go with my nature....cutting off.

10. If I were an Element.... Fire...doesn’t ask me why!!

11. If I were a Gemstone.... ha he he what???? Yes you guessed it right. Diamond only....even writing this it is flashing!!

12. If I were Musical Instruments..... A Violin, love the soulful notes which comes out of it. It soothes my feelings, touches my heart.

13. If I were a Color.... Yellow. Any shades of yellow.

14. If I were an Emotion..... Definitely Love, Love surrounds me, makes me breaks me, finds me.

15. If I were a Car.... Yep everybody knows my answer... Jaguar, it runs like royals.

16. If I were a Bird.... a Peacock, The colors, the dance and the call of Tehuk, Tehuk...

   Ha ha..... You getting bored? I know I know, OK. Here is the last one.

17. If I were to be somebody else...... You kidding? No way in dreams also I will never ever replace myself with anybody!! Whatever I am, was or will be......I will be Billa OR Prerna only.

Nature gives us our needs
Society gives us our restictions...
love always billa driftwood.

Dilemma in life

 Well, I am back to another home! There's a feeling of excitement that I am goanna meet someone... Its looks like I am being away for too long and coming back is so full of joy, being with your boys... just a great feeling being wanted!! But still the difference of timings keeps me awake at odd hours or makes me doze off...It’s so cold here opposite to back home in India. My all woolen clothes are packed & it’s in the storeroom so I don't have much choice but put on more layers!! A sudden chill or allergy had overtaken me and cold & sneezing has caught me again. I feel so miserable, my nose feels like erupted volcano & voice is like feared dog, owe owe... I think its dust in the house...but can't complain so took some allergy medicine & feeling little better. But that has made my night sleep disturbed.
       The problem with me is I don't like dirty house... I have always differed with my boys on this subject!! My euphoric Son will always tell me that my concept of cleaning & theirs is very different... piles of clothes here & there, leaving wet towel on bed, leaving dirty dishes any where or in the sink for don't ask me from how many days... that's very common in their generation, I shouldn't mind that...Well I am trying...but dame I remember one more thing, an empty pizza box in the fridge from how long only God knows... Should I throw it or leave it? When these boys will learn? When they will learn to clean their own mess? That's my dilemma!! Any way I spent the entire day cleaning & restoring the house... without disturbing The Silver Tongue.
      Ha-ha… Dilemmas of any subjects are my own creation!! Well that's my euphoric Chef son's expression... mom that all is in your mind...you think too much on negative side and then you JINX everything. May be ...OK... ya ... he is right in certain point... on thinking yes but negative & JINXING or whatever that means... no never. I don't think so. From my childhood debating on all subjects I am like that...thinking too much, analyzing all subjects in detail (I think I have inherited that from my Father... Lamna jikwa in my Mother's expression) but on positive side, always hoping for good, always for better posibilites. In my point of view even today I think like that so I can't be label as negative person. But if I see some negative points in something OR someone then definitely I will bring notice to them! So nobody should try to change that.
    I still remember back in school, my friend Renu & I were given a subject to take part in school debates. We had to speak on both side negative & positive. I would always select benefit or positive subject. My teacher Deepakben((very strong headed woman who has lot influence in my today's personality)) will always try to pacify me in changing my selection but in vain... NOPE....and funnily you know??Most of the time Renu WON... and I used to wonder why? What am I lacking? It always puzzled me... But now with my life's experiences I know that she won not because of the way we spoke but because...negativity makes you listen very carefully!! It attracts you in the beginning... and with ability of your judgments it makes your visions very clear to see the positive side!! So she got all the points for showing the true side of the subjects. Think about it and you yourself will see more points on negative side of any subjects. It’s like opposite attracts!! It makes you very cautious if only you notice it very carefully. Just notice it only...don't adapt it, don't accept it, don't dwell on it OR don't JINX it on whatever negative factor crosses your mind. Ha-ha, let’s see what my son thinks on this!!
     Believe me I have handled my negatives in a very hopeful ways!! I did try to have a nervous breakdown!! But my brain is a survivor. It always hopes for a hope!!  In every negative situation it finds a new hope... I don't know from where or how!! I tried to have nervous breakdown for me & for others too... Truly so many times there I am on my way to a perfect justified emotional meltdown...and that Hope comes back…
      And honestly at times it makes me really angry ...because instantly by contrast it seems more peaceful, so much easier than staying with hope in your life!! In any disasters I have probably always, a way out, or a plan that is seeing things through even if there were a slim chance of its working!! Why I didn't allow those things to happen? Why not face all the consequences? Why didn't I go through all the pain process and worked hard to avoid that (for me & others too) - for a single ray of hope? I am sure people who knows me better or understands me better will  know what I am talking or feeling about... because my that hope might... might not suitable for other's lives which I thought I can make better for them... that I can solve their situations in my hopeful ways... perhaps not.
     
                                   What I am waiting for!
                  Am I waiting for a call or to make a call?
     It’s no good waiting, for someone else to beat your drum.
  Go get up. Get out & make a fresh start and shake your hands.

अपनी हालत का खुद एहसास नहीं है हमको

मैंने औरो से सुना है की परेशान हूँ मै.

love always billa driftwood, not wanting to swift away in the so called river of life.