Sleep....Sleep & More Sleep!!!

Life is so peculiar!! The afternoon nap that my parents always prevented is now deliberately so welcome at this age!!I have never seen my mom lying down on the bed & taking nap in the afternoon!! We all girls also were also not allowed to do that!! But the cycle of life & time keeps eternally moving!!
  This past days  in my friend R-Behal's point of view were,"Diarrhea". Straight 10 days of dinners at friend's homes!! Ha ha......I know what she meant!! Once the one dinner starts & everybody wants to do that.... and then for days we don't see each others!!!!! I skipped today & rested well!! R-Behl is my friend from old gang...& brings the comfort zone. She is a smart,intelligent,& sometimes arrogant lady....but our nature goes well together!! We can tease each other a lot. After A-Kothary I think I could go well with her!!! I like to flirt with her handsome husband C-Behl!!!! ha ha ha.....!!
    The day has been spend doing nothing watched movies changing channels on the TV.Read newspaper & I noted a dialogue,"Insaan ki ek dukhti rag uski har taakat se badi hoti hai".( A person's single weakness is stronger than his strengths) That's so bloody true!! Everybody has some weakness,which will put them in a such corner where their all strentghs won't work!! Specially when you a vulnerable!!
   In every family,friendship & society there are people who will make you comfortable,will put you at ease and assuring you that they are with you. They make you feel at home.There are lot of people around you are very eager to exploit your negativity.And most of us do have some let down moments or insecurity and here we let ourselves trap in their so finely woven net!! They surly knows what to look out with sympathy & smile they pumps you for information.They even gives you some little hints or says some in your favors to encourages you to speak up......and you become vulnerable!!! You loosen up,let down your guards and say something you wouldn't in your alert moments!! It is when we open ourselves that we are at our most vulnerable!!
   In a moment of weakness you are most prone to let go and spill it all out. And Boom..... satisfied they runs back where they came from and uses the information to their own advantage or against you before you realise!! It is only later you realise they get you to bare all but never ever shared any of their important info's. Your one weak moment does you a life time harm!!That has happened with me.....with my family & friends!!I need to guard more my weaknesses....I have to be more alert now!! I should give more importance to my weaknesses!!
    None can make us feel inferior without our consent!!!
 love always billa driftwood.

Remembering Old Friend!!!

 Well I am back....gone to Ahmadabad with The Gardner. Mini also joined with us...most of the time we both talked, giggled....you become so light & fresh in the young company!! She is most charming with wide beautiful smile young woman. Full of life. I really enjoyed her company. Given at any cost I would want my youth days back!!....Only you can rewind your life!!! I don't find many changes between us & today's youth!! I still see our carefree nature, our curiosity to know the world, our innocence & all is good attitude in today's youth but only different is they are allowed to express in their origin form. No suppression. No boundaries. No limitations. No rules. No fear of confrontations..... When I was young I used to feel that I am little ahead of time but now I feel I should have born at least 20 years late!!
      Today is 26 January!!! What so significant about that!! Well today is India's Republic Day. Today is P_G's B'day.Today in 2001 the Earthquake struck here in Kutch, G'dham. I came here in G,dham in 1975 & moved to USA in 1989....after I left two disaster happened here, one very bad cyclone & one life threatening earthquake!!. I still remember I was watching news in the evening at Charlotte home & heard the earthquake has happened in Gujarat, Kutch my home town in India...worrying that no one of my loved one has injured I tried calling all numbers in failure not connecting anyone....finally got one number from friend who lives in Bombay. I tried & heard very familiar voice on other side.....A-Kothari’s voice!!! I asked how come you are answering this unknown no...& hysterically she replied...Billa nothing is well here...crying she was shouting...Billa Doctor is dead...Billa Doctor & Bhattsaheb both are dead!!!! I just couldn't believe that!! No that is not possible!! The phone number I got was the number of the Doctor's daughter's!!! The only working phone of my connections!!! The Earthquake has taken the life of our beloved friend Dr Bhatt!!
    The Doctor...was a most dignified, beautiful, elegant woman!!!She had a serene quality, a sort of cheerful calm which made herself very enjoyable!! I met her on my wedding reception and even we had age difference we clicked as friends. She was blessed with two beautiful daughters & very humble life partner. She was always there when I needed most...physically or mentally.Ohhh so many Card Parties!!!! You will always find her in good spirit & fresh even after whole day running her hospital!! I can never forget our trip to South India together!!! What a fun we had!! So many long late nights drives listening to our Gujarati songs!! She wrote me a letter, included her two grand children's pictures on 18th Jan 2001! 25th Jan was their wedding Anniversary!! The Earthquake took lives of both of them!!! Her involvement in life was so intense it is impossible today to grasp the fact that she is no more with us! Sometime you wonder God's ways!! Her most beautiful gift to me is my first born!!
   Today again those memories flooded in my mind!!! But the cycle of life moves on....the show must go on... of course with so many beautiful memories of being togetherness of our loved ones!! Nothing or nobody can take away those precious moments from us...that is our safely hidden treasure in our heart!!
    Death is not a great loss in life; the greatest loss is what dies inside as while we live!!!
Today really I want to drift away in the deep sea of lovely memories and not to find that wood which will bring me back to the shore...
love always drifting away billa.
 

Fighting with yourself!!!!

 One evening an old Cherokee told his grandson about battles that go on inside the people.
 He said my son the battle is between two wolves inside us!!
 One is Evil...It is Anger, Envy, Regrate, Greed, Arrogance, Resentment, False Pride and Ego!! The other is good...It is Joy, Peace, Love, Compassion, Truth, Humility, Generosity and Faith!!
 The grandson thought about it for a moment and then asked his grandfather,
 “Which Wolf wins"?
 The grandfather simply replied,
 “The one you feel".
       I just loved this story when I read it..It is so true!!!! We do feel so many times so differently like above!! At least I do....Angry at situations, people, at myself…!! Envy at those who are better than me....Arrogant oh many times....False Pride...& Ego....well I think that's my most bad traits in me. I feel that sometimes I project myself pride as a false pride or ego!!! I did jeopardized my many relations only because of my ego or my family's false pride...but at that time I felt that it was right at that time. People do act very strange at times & you do reciprocate.....I know my friends & my loved ones will correct me, advise me not to do that, not to feel like that.....and I am also trying..Fighting against that bad Wolf!! But I know that my battle is going to be a long battle!! And like I said previously...Winning over life is must!!! And my basic nature is for winning anything at any cost....see here comes my ego!!!!
     Well now feeling good about myself!! I hope one won't take this as my ego!! But at many times I do feel overjoyed because my love & affections are reciprocated!!! I feel so many times tremendously loved by my loved ones!!So many times at Peace because My Malik's Mehar on me!! So many times my Faith in my Malik has shown ways in my difficult life & makes me to go on believing more on my Faith..... I pray I do feel like this all my life along...I bow my head & ask his more blessings on me & my loved ones!!
   Struggles continue and shall for the rest of your life. Struggles will not remain what remains are how you dealt with struggle!!! How did you felt at that time?? Which Wolf you allowed to win??
  My battle will start from tomorrow as I am going to meet some.....and I do want to feel good....I don't want to fight against the Supreme Being's structure (as so called family). Because I know war of words always brings a different person in you!! So I have to restrain myself from becoming Ugly!! Tonight I am going to meditate of cleansing my mind or rather empty my mind and will start my tomorrow's journey fresh!! Amen!!
   Friends I will be gone for a couple of days to Gujarat side.... and won't be able to express myself for a while but will meet you on this soulful journey soon!!!

ઝીંદગી! નહોતી ખબર કે માત્ર તું તો છે ગણિત!
એક પગલું ખોટું ને ખોટો જ આખો દાખલો.....

    So until feel being loved by me....billa driftwood.

Just another lazy day!!!!

Lohri with V-Gujral's Family

 Yesterday was an Utrayan. Festival of Kites!! Fun day of our youth days!!Back in my small village Karamsad we used to celebrate this festival for days!!But here in G, dham I don't see much enthusiasm for that. Today is a giving (Daan) day. You give money, food, clothes to poor...
    I had straight two late nights!! One at my friend A-Kothary and second at V-Gujral. So whole day I slept & slept. Some times over sleeping are very essential for my tired mind & body. So many times I have wondered that a small sleep time from routine helps us to rejuvenate...so what 'Samadhi' kind of sleep which our Gurus & Saints are advising us to obtain will do to us??What it is?? I know that to achieve that kind of 'Samadhi' or reach at that level one demands a lot daily practice of your faith. I do have faith but right now I don't have daily practice!!Still the Maya (material worlds) attracts me, wraps me or I myself allows that voluntary. I still like it. I still love it. But I know that someday small steps of my faith will take me to such level that my tired mind will be well rested forever.
  Well that was a very heavy topic. I will write about that at another time when I am more focused & less stressed. You can't express best in distress.
   A-Kothary was only close woman friend at times in G, dham and I think will remain only close friend in my life time.... We met in November 1980. We instantly became good friends!! We shared many laughs, sorrows, joys and common interests. The Gardner became friend with her husband A-Kothary (his name also starts with A).I also became very close to him. Our families also became close.....I think that was golden era of my life..... Then we moved to USA.....and slowly we drifted... The time, distance & circumstances change everything...so did we? When The Gardner decided to move back to India, I was little hesitant but his heart was here  so again after living almost two decades in the USA we made our nest here again in our home town G,dham, hoping to reconnect well with our past...but life & destiny always surprises you.... Any way the party was for their 31st anniversary. Going to her place was once like going to my own place but today I went like other guests...ahhh I have so many memories of that house. The party was fun as usual. The Gardner was making himself more comfortable but it was getting late.....so we left.
   The Lohri is a well observed festival in North side of India. It is a very similar to our Holy festival. We lit fire in a pile of woods and pray that our sins, problems and unpleasant situations from our lives burn in the fire. Gujrals are from North and it was their second daughter-in-law Minnie’s first Lohri so I was invited. V-G was not in the town so The Gardner didn't come. It was a youngster’s party. P-Gujral wife of V-G & me were only adults. I felt privileged. P-G is a very simple & calm woman. She is well nourished in the company of her dotting husband & loving family. She is blessed with two handsome boys & gorgeous two daughter-in-laws and how can you forget Saisha? She most of the time savored popcorn & danced. She still prefer to call me 'billa; I think I also prefers that for time being!!!
   We performed some rituals around the fire, danced on the rhythm of 'Dholak'(Drums) and played the Housy (Lotto) game. The best thing I liked was all male partners also took part in the game!!! Once our partners also used to take part but now....ha ha they still prefer to call themselves young but sit at one place...where else??? At Bar only!! I had a lot fun with fresh & shining faces but it was getting late...so I left.
   So now you know the reason of my over sleeping??? But now I can take more joy & stress for time being.
   love always billa driftwood.

A-Kothary & Me

Ignorence Is Bliss!!

 Today was my friend Chand's kitty party....and I was there as a guest. I really enjoyed being with my friends. It is a totally different kind of fun, Housy, lot of games, good food....Mrs. Behanji's Punjabi Kadhi....so tasty. Chand is my first friend in G, dham. I still remember that hot evening when we met....August 1975. So long ago...and yet it seems like yesterday. Her two daughters are my boy's sisters. She is blessed with 3 grandsons. I am lucky to have her in my life.
   But today's topic is different!!!Some times Ignorance is bliss, that's what I want to feel. Somewhere we all reach a point when we don't what to know or wish we can afford to say I don't know. It’s so funny how these three words can at once invoke feelings of despair. Sometimes knowing becomes intolerable. If we seek all answers for all questions we become insane.
   Today I also tried getting answers for silly & stupid situations!! I feel so irritated with some relatives. I simply don't know how to handle them...Normally they or their any actions doesn't matter much in my life, but when they cross their line and bring unpleasant in my home then…
    Once the Gardner's (I have kept this name for my Husband, as many beautifully fragrant flowers has bloomed in his well nourished Garden) friend Jayeshbhai said, billa you don't have choice with family. But you can choose & discard friends!!! So True!! So many times I have wished not to have some relatives from my side or The Gardner's.
   But you shouldn't! You simply can't!! They are included in the package of your so called life designed by The God!!And you simply cannot fight or argue with The Supreme!! This is a sweet or salty revenge from him. This is his way of Balance...
   But still being human and with many faults within me I will try to find faults in others too. So I will get irritated by people who impose & interfere in my way of life. My Mom always said, “We have to wear different masks with different relations." and she did....but somehow I can’t. I simply cannot find any other face as a mask then this stubborn billa's face!!!
   I really wish I shouldn't have gone for searching answers for their actions as it brought inhuman nature in me....ready to fight against nature's structure, and become ugly. I wish sometimes I think or behave as The Gardner's point of views...calm, cool & nonagiteted.
  Because it brought again pain & stress. Distrust in Human Being!!!!

જીવનભર જળમાં સળગ્યો છું, ઘડીભર શ્વાસ લેવા દે
ઝીણી ઝાકળમાં સળગ્યો છું, ઘડીભર શ્વાસ લેવા દે
સદા શબ્દોના અગ્નિ-સ્તંભને મેં બાથ ભીડી છે
સતત કાગળમાં સળગ્યો છું ઘડીભર શ્વાસ લેવા દે....

       love always & ever but again thrown in the river as Driftwood!!

Today's Gandhidham!!!

 Well...just came back from market for buying vegetables & feel like I have travelled a long journey!!!! The traffic here has become crazy and so has the environment!! It’s so foggy with pollution you cannot see front of you; you can't go even for a short walk!! The young drivers drive their vehicles so irresponsibly you fear they will hit you!! The unbelievably over loaded 'Chakdas'.....I wonder from where this word came from?? The most undisciplined 'Rikshas'!! The Garbage everywhere!! And last never goanna solving parking problem!! Ha ha it is a big challenge if you plan to go to a market!
      Once upon a time this town was a retreat, a quiet, clean and beautiful. How the time flies!! I still remember back in those days we use to walk to each other's places. I still remember how at one time this town had calm & sedate nights!!We would drive through in the night listening to old songs up to 'Nakty' a place near Kandla port, a pool over creek. We would sit there, spend some time under open sky.....looking at the dim lights of Port!! Only one or two vehicles will pass, slow down looking at us wondering what these crazy young bunch of people are doing, and drive further down!! Now can you do that? Of course not! Now it’s a crowded city, bustling with zillions vehicles...and unbearable pollution!! Where today's young people are going for hangout...I would like to know.

      But still I would like to live here & be part of this town...
 
 I had my best years in G, dham. I made my best friends here. I have made a lot of memories here. I have made a lot of investment of my love, friendship, energy, loyalty, value of relations, and lot more in this town....and it is a very rewarding. Well spent Billa...Well spent. I feel very well balanced here, socially & emotionally.
     Life is a one of those races in pre-school where you have to run with a marble in a spoon, kept in your mouth. If the marble falls there is no point of winning. Balance is a very crucial here in this game, and I feel same with the  life. Winning over life is very essential. Balance in life is very essential. Balance means ensuring your healthy relationships, peace, and mental stability. Comfort zone around you are all in good order. And I find all everything in my life in order here!!
  Life's been very kind so is Malik's Mehar....
    love always & ever billa driftwood.

Visit to Jasufoi

 Had a great short vacation and visited so many relatives & friends!!!! Going to Baroda was always normal before but somehow nowadays I have started hating travelling. (Billa age, Billa age)This time I was really avoiding going to Gujarat side. (Well Kutch is also in Gujarat but that's how we say when we go to our native places) But my Foi...Jasumati...won't leave me alone, kept on calling and saying she is not well and not goanna survive more...ha ha....I am so familiar with those words...listening those words since well... ages and found her always not only in great health but in good spirit!!!But I had to go. I must go. She is a last Link, Solo connection of my father-side. She is the last survivor among 3 brothers & 3 sisters!!
      Jasufoi...a dedicated & loyal little sister of my father. She has been with us constantly in good, bad and indifferent times. Being her in with my parents life....has made me & my sister always is questioned!!Whole life they have stayed together like friends, family & like any other relationships with many ups & down...Being center of my father's life she was a envy of so many!!She could get away with so many social crimes...only with my father's blessings known or unknown.....but she was a necessary part of our whole family. We had a joint family of two brothers living under one roof plus she living only 50 feet away. A vital part of our growing up!!
   As usual I found her in not only good in health...but glowing more in her small but beautiful frame. I bought some Oranges.....a Orange, a Lemon Juice,(with Gluco-D),a multi-vitamin, a glass of milk....man I am forgetting a daily everything in a day in her life since I may remember my first step!!! She had told almost everyone in the neighborhood that my 'Bhatriji'(that’s me, ‘niece') is coming so the house was full...couldn't talked much...but in the night....we talked about almost everything....She always dwells on the past and the days gone by.....you listen to many repeated stories...which you want to defy, protest, like love, ignore, laugh, hate...but you won't out of respect. After promising I will come again to see her I departed. I know I will see her again.
   I visited Ulhass's home too! A distant cousin, a childhood friend, a philosopher in his own ways & great admirer of my Father!!!!! He died at very crucial age when I was in the USA. Met wife & daughter, shattered, heartbroken & felt unjustified from Malik....I sat with them deeply pained. What to say? Nothing in the world can replaces the loss of near & dear ones and I can only express here only my deepest condolences and prayers to them. Sometimes we poor human beings won't understand, The Malik's ways of doings!!!!
    But life moves on and shall move on!! That is how it has been willed by that Superior Unknown Force!!
     love always billa driftwood.

Saisha's Bday!!!

 Saisha....The Ultimate....God's Spirit...but in my point of view she is a like wild flower who has her own fragrant, her own beauty and of course undying God's spirit. Yesterday she turned 2.
    Saisha Gujral...granddaughter of my lifelong friend V Gujral. VGujral friend of almost four decade is a friend who doesn't need any introduction in my life. A friend who was always there when I needed him without calling him. A friend who has a smile that will tell you, “All Is Goanna Be Well “all the time. In this friendship I have gained multiple relations but this two year old who calls me by my name,"Billa" is most precious. We tried to teach her call me, 'Foiba'(In Gujarati language Foiba is father's aunt)....but nop she prefers Billa. She is full of life, very active and full of daring...and that mischievous smile never distant.
    On her B'day she made us Dadis (Grand moms) danced, laugh and mostly proud. God Bless her.
      After many years I made all children play, “Simon says" game....oh those memories...only few years ago I was playing this game with their parents and now with their kids!!! Not much change with scene...same nobody wanted to be out of the game...them all outsmarted me and I lost. What a fun.
     Life has been very good. God’s been good too and I hope yours been well too.
  Never ending love...billa driftwood.




 Saisha....The Ultimate....God's Spirit...but in my point of view she is a like wild flower who has her own fragrant, her own beauty and of course undying God's spirit. Yesterday she turned 2.
    Saisha  Gujral...granddaughter of my lifelong friend V Gujral. VGujral friend of almost four decade is a friend who doesn't need any introduction in my life. A friend who was always there when I needed him without calling him. A friend who has a smile that will tell you, “All Is Goanna Be Well “all the time. In this friendship I have gained multiple relations but this two year old who calls me by my name,"Billa"is most precious. We tried to teach her call me, ‘Foiba'(In Gujarati language Foiba is father's aunt)....but nop she prefers Billa. She is full of life, very active and full of daring...and that mischievous smile never distant.
    On her B'day she made us Dadis (Grand moms) danced, laugh and mostly proud. God Bless her.
      After many years I made all children play, “Simon says" game....oh those memories...only few years ago I was playing this game with their parents and now with their kids!!! Not much change with scene...same nobody wanted to be out of the game...them all outsmarted me and I lost. What a fun.
     Life has been very good. God’s been good too and I hope yours been well too.
  Never ending love...billa driftwood.

Goodbye Great 2010.......

 A relaxed mind, A peaceful soul, A joyful spirit, A healthy body and heartfelt of love.....all these are my prayers in every one’s life.
   May this New Year 2011 bring love, success & good health? May we all grow in peace & harmony?
    This last year was like a goody bag for me...some very sour treats, some I can trade...but mostly my favorites. Well that's fair enough for me. No complains. I am a very good businesswoman in real life, I will trade my sours & some my fav...and balance it all well.
  The New Year Party was at close friend MG"s house...wonderfully decorated in Christmas festivities mood. The music was live band...loud enough to put you in the dancing mood, but moving on the dancing floor my body was telling me, Billa slow down, slow down...you've aged...but my spirit & heart
Made me danced all night.
  The food was good, good party but the best is you are with your dear friends...you are with very comfort Zone. We laughed our way through the passing moments of the Year among the people who has no hidden agendas, no conditional demands and mostly let you live the way you want. Amen....
  My Boys (sons) are far away...in USA. The difference of time zone will not permit us to wish on the same time. (Right now I am in India). But I am pretty sure they are also with their good friends saying goodbye to 2010. Only last year they were with me here.......
      Tomorrow a fresh lot of days will start....wanting fresh resolutions. My resolution? Hamm mm my resolve is mine, personal, so let me be with me and mine as it matters not to others.
      Last what is forgiveness???  A cute little girl gave this lovely reply; "It’s the wonderful smell a flower gives when it is being crushed."
 love as always billa....this time I am at shore so no Driftwood.