Well, I am a bit exhausted after 3 hectic days travelling!! Yes, again I went at Gujrat side. It was a kind of shopping trip, which I always enjoy but this time I felt very tired!! (Billa age Billa age) Travelling in the night is a experience & risk in India. But anyway I took it, and came home very late. Slept well in the night.....but The Gardner woke me up to give the sad news.The Gardner's nephew N"s father-in-law has died. Only few days before we went to see him!!
N & his older brother J both has stayed with me almost 30 years back for schooling from Fiji Islands. They both are now in their prime age & blessed with good life partners & lovely children.The Gardner & I have special bond & tender love for their families.They are The Gardner's oldest brother's boys. The Gardner has 5 brothers & 3 sisters.They all live in USA.
So where was I....ya got the sad news and talked with N. then talked with boys & my sisters. I have 3 sisters & they also live in the USA. Aahhhh I felt more tired mentally after talking with my sisters......
Lately when people ask me how I feel about my life,my world,I reply in relation to my small world (which surrounds me only) & big world (which surrounds myself with others) perspectives. I feel my life has never been better. I am happy with my marriage. I have two incredible boys who are doing well and trying to make a better place for themselves in the world. I can maintain good relationships in same reciprocated feelings. I live in great two continents,have beautiful houses. I have travelled well, seen well & done almost everything possibly done!! I am in good shape (not body wise) of my mind & health. Most of the time I feel really lucky & blessed.
But that's about my own small world. What I feel about the big world is a different story. I am more disillusioned then ever with my so called set up.......since 30 years I tried something different....... tried to make more closeness......tried to live like my Father's principles......his idea of living, ignoring some facts & acknowledging only togetherness...... but lately I am more discouraged by all events, happenings!! It is all ill-founded, unwanted situations and creating more problems then it is solving. The idea of staying togethere is going in different direction!! And I always thought we were different, we were different breed,our blood line is different!!!!!!! But no I have made myself fool for believing that!!! I was stupid living in some illusions!! I was idiot!! I didn't listen wise words from my loved ones and went against them. I tried to bring big (superficial) world more closer!! I should have concentrated more on my small world!! I feel same with some other relations also.....so is there anything wrong with me or does it happens with everyone at certain age?? Does everyone passes through same disturbances in their life at certain situations??Does I need to be change?? Or does the nature takes care of everything?? I would love to know that!!!
But today right now I feel more lousy,helpless,angry mostly at myself. I am frustrated and impatient!! A bit overwhelmed & thinking through a lot.... I don't want to focus on the negatives. I am just wishing we all could do better. Seriously, this is so messed up!!!
I think I should give it some time & leave it its own healing. And then.......we will see... but still I can't stop thinking about it!! If you can't get something off your mind, may be its supposed to be there !! We will see!! Because when I reflect on my life, I can think of so many specific circumstances where My Malik has brought me out of these situations. So I will want for again his Mehar. I know we all will grant his Mehar as we all are children of Blessed Parents!! They should not be laughing at us....only smiling at us in tenderness.
Lately I lie awake,
Sleeping disturbed, open eyes,
Wandering in the desert of thoughts,
But slipping away sand from my tired mind.
કાચના ઘરમાં રહી પત્થર તણાં સોદા કર્યાં
એમ હાથેથી પછી એકએક ઘર ઓછા કર્યાં
નખ વધારી હાથની ત્વચાને ચીરી છે અમે
અંગ પરથી અંગના અંગો બધા નોખાં કર્યાં
આ અડાયા પણ હવે પોતાપણું ભૂલી ગયાં
તાપનારે ખુદના હિસાબ સૌ ખોટા કર્યાં.
love always billa....again thrown in the river hoping to find my driftwood!!
No comments:
Post a Comment