Judgmental...

                                                       Then

 One of the most painful natures of the human life is the moments of judgment when you are judged for your worth, when you are judged for your values, your abilities and mostly your appearances… Same is a via-verse you judge for others. Most people judge them the best. Ability of the judgments in balance of others is always tough. It is so easy to be judgmental and so difficult to be judged.

And Now....

     Two days before it happened with me!! Well first let me tell you little about me… I am little short and little healthier on my outer side. (I hate to call myself fat or plump or even obese)) And I needed to buy few tops for my summer trip. So I go to my regular store where exactly I know what they have & what I want. But here goes my bad luck…that stupid smart looking red top… I thought it was my size but it didn’t fit me…damn it was little tight on my waist side. So disappointed I called for the help and got the bigger size… which was too big for me. So when I was about to leave the store without buying anything than that help, a lady (super figure conscious psycho, feebly looking) came to me and said,” You should try at maternity department.” What?? “Which month are you in?” What?? She saw confusion & irritated expression on my face… She said, oh I am sorry I thought… I exploded, what did you thought? Are you trying to tell me that all the ladies who has little big stomach, they all are suppose to be pregnant??  What are you thinking? Can’t you make a difference between a pregnant lady & little fat lady?? Here I go; I impulsively called myself fat & that made me angry. Because I don’t call that to myself or allow to others. I felt somebody violated my privacy. How can she judge me like that on my appearance? I left the store furiously in bad mood… poor lady just stood there in the shock, wondering what she said!
      Well, driving back home I cooled down. Back home I tried to look in the mirror to double check and I laughed!! Well not exactly like pregnant, but I do have put on lot of weight on my belly side. I blame it to my India stay…(thanks to my two super cooks and four course meal a day) I blame it to that horrific but so mouthwatering my new discovered Butter Almond Ice Cream… I blame it to the Gardner’s absence, as I eat more junk food. (you know that I don’t cook during that time) Well, you have to blame on something or someone right? Man seriously I must do something!

     You know I always end up of thinking that the missing ingredient which will bring magic to my life. Today while talking with the Gardner, I felt that it is nothing but sheer lack of dedication & determination in my life I’ve become very lazy & lethargic and I need to change. I crib about my pain in my legs (well, well acomplished & certified Doctor's opinion is that it is because of my being little overweight) & complain about my belly flab. I get irritated in the stores when smart outfit doesn’t fit me, but I never do anything... may be for that moment…for that time only I feel motivated and enthusiastic to lose weight here & there…but then it is too short lived to even talk about. While driving back then home I decided to be more disciplined on my eating habits, but then in the night I totally forgot & had ice-cream.

Body; Your weakness sickens me,such a pretty girl wasted. The lines in your face, ageing away your youth every seconds. How do you stand it? Can't you feel the air getting thin? Time giving in next year, next year!

I promised the face in my mirror

I will do better next year.

    While remembering my past,my  so called attempts, to be thinner on some part of my stature…so many yo-yo diets, so many diet pills… (here I want to blame it to my Taciturn sister to make me indulge with those, ’Flabolin 40.’…well my blame it on phycology indeed  is handy)…not to forget that my stupid mistake of registering myself with that high-Fy gym for a whole year, with my auto credit card monthly payment. I barely went there for a week… (I blame it to that clever, captivated sales person) Those European body wraps… I should have known that it was only a gimmick, but you don’t question your own intelligence! The most failed one was that Lemon-Cayan Pepper-Maple syrup (all must be Organic, you know and belive me my search took me to the places where one lemon will cost you only $3.99, and you need at least 8 per day... ) colon cleansing diet…ha ha ha, seriously I did tried that for almost three whole days…( 10 days are must) hoping to see those promised Alien Perasites from my colon waste... only I found... forget it... don't remind me of those tormented days...

     Seriously, I have to do something about this. I give up on myself too soon… I leave it half way too often… It’s high time I give myself a punch & make myself aware more about my appearance… I have to make efforts to fit me in that stupid but gorgeous top…( if I fit in smaller size, that will be bonus…may be more walnuts or almonds on ice-creme on occasional times, ha ha) I know I look gorgeous but, if I want to look more superb gorgeous, I’ve to be disciplined.

     So, long story cut short I shouldn’t be mad at that sales lady. I simply should have brushed away her by keeping my calm. It’s always better to go ahead in life with our hearts and mind open rather than jumping to conclusions. Who knows all facts lie beneath the fancy exteriors?

There is no one

Who can hurt me

Like myself

For I cam take a simple statement

And twist it around in my mind

Till my body trembles with pain

And I wonder how anyone

Could be so cruel. To say such a thing

Yes, given enough time, my imagination

Can make the proverbial mountain

Out of a molehill.

સાવ ચીંથરેહાલ આખી ઝીંદગી ભટક્યા કર્યું,

આખરી ક્ષણને હવે શણગારવાનું મન થયું.

જોખમી દાવો લગાવ્યા કાળના જુગારમાં,

ને હવે જીતેલ બાજી હારવાનું મન થયું.

આઇનામાં ખુદને મળવાની ઘણી ઈચ્છા હતી;

લ્યો,મળ્યા તો કેમ આંસુ સારવાનું મન થયું?

love as ever billa driftwood

The Gratitude...

 These past days were like cooking marathon....the people who knows me; they know me very well how I work!! It’s like this; I will cook or work for continuous straight for long hours...as I don't like to be in the kitchen for everyday. (Bless the soul for inventing the refrigerator...)) Same thing goes for house cleaning...like other good housewives I simply can't get up early in the morning & start my daily cleaning routine...I do that in the night or at some other time. Ahhh so I was telling about my busyness (my version of being busy so no spell-check) of cooking... like I told you the Gardner is here and my whole schedule has been changed. And now my lonely Fridge is having a feast of દાળભાત, ખીચડીકડી, લીલાશાક, સમોસા અને સ્પ્રીન્ગરોલ (savory)of three days of my hard work 

    So after that I went into a hibernation mode...lots of rest, lots of surfing channels & lots of time spending with me & me only. So in my solitude time I was wandering in the aisles of the past (what else you do?) few years which went by...especially last few days & years. Quite event full ones. So many chapters ended & so many new began... That was my life, kept walking despite of all obstacles and challenges. So many people some nice, some adorable, some obnoxious and some simply non significant walked with me & made my life so interesting. The life went so beautiful & adventurous with them. It’s like you start walking alone & people join you. हम तो चले थे अकेले को, काफिला बढता गया और राही मिलते गए. People who walked with me, stayed with me, are mine and one who quit perhaps were never mine. Still the journey was, is & will be very enjoyable, exciting with this rich experiences...

     I want to welcome coming years with open arms & want to feel good about a lot of things & a new face in my life. Hopes & promises are coming back to me & I am rejoicing those moments. No matter how small or big they may be, but they are mine & will always remain mine. Life has started breathing normally now. The mind is rejuvenating. The heart is singing. The body is now resting.

     To all those who touched my heart in some way or the other... kudos to you for bringing smile on face and restoring my faith in LOVE. Today is not thanks-giving day but I want to really thank each one who made difference in my life. Somewhere deep in my heart I always felt that the Sun always shines after a long and darker night. Thank You Very Much to You All.  અમે તો લહેરથી જીવ્યા, તમારી હૂંફમાં દોસ્તો, અમારે એક બાકી છે હવે તેહવાર ફૂલોનો.......

     To all those whom I have offended, hurt or made them feel what they are not...I am sorry. My intentions were not to do so... I must have acted upon the circumstances, misunderstandings or simply for my bad mood. I am really sorry. I would like to hand out my hand for fresh start, only if you want to. I know that it will take some time from both side, but we can try...गांठ अगर लग जाये तो फिर, रिश्ते हो या डोरी, लाख करे कोशिश खुलनेमे वक़्त तो लगता है.

     Now no regrets, no worries, lot of questions but now answered!! All is well if it ends well. The Malik always offers absolute happiness, only we needed to find it. Or may be its like you only appreciate brighter side after walking on the darker side. So finally I am bowing my head & heart humbly to my Malik and his blessings. Here I am expressing my Gratitude towards him. Thank you for your guidance  to recognize the brighter side of my life.बिन मांग गुरु किरात करावे, बिन यांचे दिए न्यामत आय. औगुन मेरे कुछ न बिचारे, दिन दिन मेहर करी अधिकाय.

      As they say, for everything you have missed, you have gained something else; everything you gain you loses something else. It’s about your outlook towards life. You can either regret or rejoice. And I have learned to rejoice.

 I talk life & experiences

make yourself so indispensable

no one can erase you.

A lot of people appear and disappear as par their convenience

but I feel... we must make a difference in someone's life.

Yes, slowly I am getting tired of maintaining one sided relations,

slowly I am fading out from a lot of people's life

But...trust me, its not easy to delete me

for one reason

I've made difference in your life...I've changed your thought process.

પરાયાના ચરણ ચાંપીને અનુસરવું નથી ગમતું,

તણખલાનો સહારો લઇ મને તરવું નથી ગમતું.

જીવન ઝીન્દાદીલીથી હું જીવી છું એટલું બસ છે,

ફકીરી    હાલમાં  છું   મસ્ત, કરગવું   નથી   ગમતું.

અચળ છું ધ્રુવસમ આકાશ જેવી મારી  દુનિયામાં,

નજીવા કો સિતારા સમ મને ખરવું નથી  ગમતું.

Malik Radhasoami Dayal Ki daya

love as always billa driftwood,

Blogging...

I think I have to be little more consistent in this blogging thing. I know I am doing well, but I want to do pretty good… I’ve been in & out of it for a while… Busy? Tired? Juggling here & there? May be. But from now on I am gonna try to be more faithful to this commitment! Because I like doing this, I like to stay here…I really don’t know that it matters to anyone else, but who knows... hopefully it might bring me & others to connect on a different level, like sharing ideas, thoughts and random togetherness. OR may be I will find my other side which may be is buried inside me somewhere I have not seen or embrace yet.

     So what is blogging? In my point of view it is something about feelings, which you want to express & write. Something you have to say, and may be, may be someone would want to read. Can it make a difference? Will it draw us closer? Will it help me to celebrate or get me through those moments after me myself reading my own thoughts? Does the comment of my readers will make me elated or sad? Will it change my point of views? Hmm kind of cool thoughts I guess?

    Am I afraid that people will read & think through my thoughts & ideas? Am I ready to accept my responsibility of having these thoughts? It’s like would you die for what you believe in? And my answer is may be… sometimes… honestly no.  I wish I could say yes I can… but I’ve never been in that situation or been tested in that extreme of a manner…. But have I had to stand up for what I believe in… absolutely YES. And its same thing about taking my full responsibilities what I have written in this blog, because I do believe in my thoughts. I have tried to be honest mostly in all, as life is a series of moments by moment’s decisions & changes all the time… You are changed person every second. so your thoughts also changes according to that way. Your thoughts do stack up on the top of each other; they make patterns, good or bad. They make a statement about you, good or bad!! Don’t you think so?

    Yes, I do think that when people are,’ looking at you’ from the outside, I think they look at you not to say good or bad… but to say real or phony. And I want the real one.  So in this passage (blog) my request to you all is just be real, just be an honest, and tell me exactly who I am. Because here I want to create comfort zone between us. Here I want to meet those people who are not with preconceived ideas.  Here I want to start fresh. This is my place, my own creation, where I want to be me only. Here If I have expressed any judgmental or sensitive views of anybody or on any subjects doesn’t change my love or relationship to them. Here I want to see what my Malik is working in my heart and the things he brings across my plate. Here I want to find real person in me. Here I want to experience with his GRACE that all the people, the events, thoughts, conversations, interactions which happened or will happen ,does make difference or not in my life. By bringing all that in my life (how I have dealt or how I will))…what he wants me to be…..

    And last we will definitely encourage, laugh, cry, share and live this wonderful journey together… If you have any thoughts on what I should write-not write like let me know… I am completely open to any suggestions but before doing that please read me well, understand me well… and try to make me understand you all well… you walk half way and I will meet you to the all way… I did tell you I am adaptable. I am available.

                         This blog craze, diary writing

                                  Wandering to unknown places, in so called mind

                                          Self torture; addiction over addiction

                                                        I’m building weakness.

   દૂખ વગર , દર્દ વગર , દૂખની કશી વાત વગર ,

   મન વલોવાય છે ક્યારેક વલોપાત વગર.

   હતું કેવું મઝાનું મન, હતું મારું રતન જેવું,

    પરુન્તું કિસ્મતે રેહવા ના દીધું મનને મન જેવું.

Love as ever billa driftwood