I Object to......Part One.

 Well this post is going to be one of my favourite.You know this blogging helps you, where you can't directly tell people what you feel but you can express same emotions here!! Just to empty your Chest...I mean your brain... Today I am penning some Objections...which I am not able to tell or do....

1. I object to... Every night there is music until late night, not matching my taste, on full volume (some live programs in open air) in the neighborhood. Well that's OK...in the summer nights where the A\C keeps the noise down. But in the winter it becomes intolerable. And the most annoying is I can't sit outside on my Zula (swing) when I want to be just me...I feel they are trespassing my night solidarity!! (I am goanna put a beautiful Haiku which I think it’s so appropriate for my feeling)):
              Music vanishes
       Swallowed by shattering noise
           Fractured Symphonies.
           

2. I object to...There is a lady who will go through my kitchen drawers, cabinets inspecting my whole house, to find faults or maybe she wants to take lessons how finely you can organize...but it annoys me.

3. I object to... when people think that I am unapproachable...in their advantages...Everyone knows once I meet or response the Ice will melt.

4. I object to... when people talk behalf of me...I think I do have my own mind & mouth.

5. I object to...when I want to relish my favorite dish and some fanatic figure conscious psycho starts talking about calories & putting on weights!!(Believe me it did happen to me)):

6.I object to... when people(Sp non-Gujaratis)living in Gujarat for their life time, earning their bread-butter here and complains and criticizes us & our culture.1(well I am Gujarati for your information)):2(For my little satisfaction I did speak my mind to them)):

7. I object to...them who tell me that I don't look or behave like Gujarati!!Well I'm born Gujarati, brought up as a staunch Gujju & believe me I behave as a worst Gujjus!! Meaning you guys have not seen more civilized Gujjus.

8. I object to...to people (Sp Relatives) who makes my privet affairs their public affairs... (A aapan ne shobhtu nathi)

9. I object to that social psycho who calls me on & off hopping to get inside info...they think I am dumb!!

10. I object to... friends who say they can make friends for their conveniences....such friendship damages both side & loose true friends....

11. I object to...younger generation who doesn't want to accept their social responsibilities by simply applying that they don’t how to in their advantage....

Well that's about enough right now...but If I feel same way you know I will RETURN...

Why did I open that door!
I can never close it again.
Truth keeps coming through
Washing the sand from under my feet!
What you see is not what I am.

love billa driftwood.

Mind Speak Vs Mind Games!!

  I will never understand why some people don't say what’s going on their mind? Why all hiding? Is it a fear? Fear that the other person will do something which they don't expect in their terms? Something which can ruin their plans or life? OR mealy just they don't want to open their Mouth!! I can understand holding your tongue out loud when you are protecting someone or may be even you. Also it’s better to keep your mouth shut before judging someone. But some people just won't confide in you even they claim they are one of among you. You meet them, ask them for what they are going to do (plans, schedules, or anything) and no you don't get any satisfied answers. (You get like, I don't know, I don't decide or we haven't talked yet)  And next thing you come to know that everything was already set, planned....so annoying!! For me it is very simple...tell me about your dreams, your nightmares, your failures and your triumph. Your pain, your shame, your anger, your love, and I will tell you all about mine.
      I simply don't understand that...it’s beyond my understanding limit!! Why so much secrecy? And for what? Trying to avoid a conflicts also something I can live with. (Even though there are cases where clearing the Air is much better than keeping mum and sulking about it.) So many times I have faced a dilemma, should I keep my thoughts (mouth) to myself. Think before I speak.... People do say to me that I am Impulsive. Meaning that I speak my mind (well that's my point of view) and I do what my heart says......it should be controlled on depending the situations!!! Really...dhah!
     But the point is that if I have to measure and weigh the words every time I open my mouth.....then I have to be better shut up for all the time. And become non participant or not being one among them which will be little impossible for me. Because first I am not hypocrite and secondly if I don't speak what I feel, want, need or don't want all that then what’s the point of living as a human being? May be by doing this you are labeled as whatever they think but at least you are what you are.

     We are so very inhibited by these so called social norms that acting on your own instincts is not permissible. We are so many times sitting back and evaluate and feel sorry about missed opportunities and UNSAID thoughts. So many unsaid, 'sorry', to whom we have hurt, so many, ‘thank you' to whom we have been benefited and of course so many, ‘angry words' to whom from we are hurt or mad!!!  So in my point of views I think one should speak up their mind but in that manner that you yourself don't get hurt....because eventually those spoken words will be only your responsibility...your own Mirror where you have to see your face every day and hear those unwanted words which will hurt you more... I love that Gazel from Ahmed & Mohammad Hussein,"अपने चेहरे के दाग किसे नज़र आते है , वक़्त हर शख्श को आइना दिखा देता है." Meaning who wants to see their blemishes on their face, but the Time always shows their true face in the Mirror......meaning the God (circumstances) will make every person to see himself truly what they are!!  Too heavy...right...but so appealing.

    I still remember my MOM would always tell us in our native language, ‘Gum khata shikho, tamne j kaam aavshe'. Meaning speak very casually, it will benefit you only... But you know I always laughed & joked with her about the word, ‘Gum'....meaning as a 'Bubble Gum' and ask her which flavor Mom? Sour or Sweet?? 'GUM' means to keep quite or don't reply back!! My MOM was a beautiful extraordinary woman with very few words & with very expressive eyes. I think mostly everyone will agree with me that she has done so many actions without expressing much words. Very rarely someone will do it today!!  But still I wish so many times that she should have spoken her mind... I just wanted to hear how she felt or what she wanted in her life.....  At her later age me my sister K- (I will introduce her in other chapter...)) would push her to say something.... against or in her favor but she will just smile and brush away us... Man how I miss her so much sometimes!! But she was she... & I am me. I wish I have inherited only 10% of her gene!!
     But still I would prefer to be what I am. I can't do anything different or be different from what I am doing right now or what I am right now!! Every person has their own strategy of building their energy; and I do it with speaking my mind.

We want to say but even then
We don't say everything;
We don't speak our Mind...we Edit and we say.
I think what we don't say is the
Reasons for failing Relations and
Craving for constantly;
'Saying Something'.

love always billa driftwood,








 
  
  

Emotion.... Now & Then!!!!

 Last night was very emotional night.....couldn't sleep!! Got up early too!! The reason? Well I saw this beautiful & sad movie on a TV, and it hasn't left my head all day. It was all about in my mind could wrap....I found myself battling all day long the thoughts of the images in the film. It really made me sad!! It made me really cry!! If I look back or rewind my life's journey....Nothing or nobody could make me cry!! I was never a weepy person. (You don't count my big loud tantrum cries to get something...or to get out of something and that also in my very early young age!!)) I needed to clarify this as I know my sisters would have objected on my above statements...ha ha.

    Anyway... I still remember once A-Kothary & I watched a movie called "Saaransh". It's a story of an old couple whose son is killed in USA. The disturbing moments in the movie is when the father is mishandled with the custom officers to recover the ashes of his son. The film has full of touching moments... Anupam Kher's acting as the father is very compelling. The film's theme is the pain of losing your child is very powerful. The film shows a very dark side of the corruptions in police & other officials too... A-Kothary cried & cried, tears were piling on her cheeks..... And me...swallowing hard, chocked with emotions, a heavy chest, eyes moist but no tears rolling down from my eyes!! I was looking at her and I wanted to cry like her, I squeezed my eyes also but nope no tears!! I didn't cry but the film left a deep impression on my heart.

    Then life happened!! I had my boys. My physical of my anatomy changed!!  First I cried with joy!! Then the factors of life, the reality of life, the troubles, the turmoils, the situations and the circumstances changed!!  I started my crying at the anger...then for feeling sorry, for being helpless. And then only I found the long awaited tears on my cheeks!! I have come the long way.

     So where was I... ahh that movie, yeah last night I was watching, ‘The Boy in the Striped Pajamas". The film is about eight year’s old son of Nazi Commander at the concentration camp. Having no friends of his age he becomes friends with a Jewish boy on the other side of camp fence who was wearing striped pajamas. The Holocaust as seen through 8 years old Bruno as he doesn't know what’s happening at the camp nearby at the beginning. And slowly, he gets closer to discovering the truth, losing his childhood innocence in the process.
      Forbidden friendship between a Nazi boy & a Jew boy ends in a very tragic way... The last shot was very disturbing showing room with piles of camp uniform (striped Pajamas) on the floor. The end is very startling and unexpected. The film is emotionally very demanding which will make you think & feel the pain of war casualties. The Holocaust was of coarse one of the darkest event where the people were killed for their race, religion or political beliefs..... Truly saddest heart wrenching film...
     I feel lucky that we have not (Directly involving ourselves) become the part of any war. We are fortunate that we have not suffered the pain & loss of our own.
      At the end I found my tears on my cheeks...I was crying.... I sat through the titles ends, ads started but couldn't pick up the TV control to switch off the TV...
     Man...What a movie...what a performances by all actors!! I strongly recommend this to all who wants to enjoy all a-class movies. And I would love to know the reactions too from you.
   Where will this yearn,
   take me today:
   It’s time to begin
   my unfinished dreams
   in the oceans of the sands.

   love always billa driftwood.
  

Life is a theater!!!

 Again went to Gujarat side, for social reasons with The Gardner. Now I have decided...I will not complain...aah about being tired...what else you think Ha ha!!
  You must be wondering about my Title,' Life is a theater.'...really I read such a beautiful article in the magazine about people in our life!!! I really thought the writer is me!! So many times I have felt that way... He said that invite your audience carefully in your life, as not everyone is healthy enough to have a front row seat in our lives!! There are some people in your life that need to be loved from a distance. It is amazing that you can accomplish when you let go, or at least minimize your time with negative, incompatible, not going anywhere relationships or a friendship.
    Observe the relationships around you. Pay attention. Which ones lift you up & which ones lean?? Which ones encourages & which ones discourages?? Which ones are path of growth uphill & which ones are going downhill?? When you leave certain people do you feel better or feel worse?? Which ones always have some dramas or don't really understand, know or appreciates you??? (I bet you are also wondering about this)
    The more you seek quality, respect, growth, peace of mind, love and truth around you....the easier it will become for you to decide who gets to sit in the front row and who should be removed to the balcony of your LIFE. If you cannot change the people around you, CHANGE the people around you!! Remember the people we hang with will have an impact on both our lives and our outcome!! So we must be careful to choose the people we hang out with, as well as the information with which we FEED our minds.... It’s your choice & your life. Man it’s so true!! So bloody dame true!! 
    Like I said in my previous Views, we can't choose our family but after certain age, and the gravity of relationships I think it should be allowed.... well lately with my experiences I have become master of letting go of bad relations.... like the author said I  weighed all pros & cons of all reasons!! And I found more negatives, more discomfort, more downhill in some relations!!  So I decided to let them go from my life!! Firstly I needed lots of courage to let it go... a stoned heart to let it go...and believe me I suffered, pained, lots of disturbed nights... and I told them exactly how I felt and I didn't get shocked or surprised response !! Something died within me!!  I felt so wasted!! Nobody even tried to save those relationships!!! In the beginning...why it’s happening with me syndrome....and then after a while I felt completely relived. And in my opinion they were also relived!! And it proved that those relationships were not meant for front row seats in my life!! 
      But I am very thankful to those relations who have taught me very important lessons of my life. I think I am fortunate that I am aware of it now otherwise imagine the harm it would have continuously created to my faith and trust?? Those relations have shown me their true faces and characters!! That is a benefit for me. I have come to know or learn that this kind of relations will only hurt you, so don't make many more, don't get too close, don't trust people very easily and most importantly don't put your time, energy, love and feedback too much in people again... Well I choose to fight a bad relationship with a silence.... because no words or blows or arguments can repair or reconstruct those relations again.... If the feelings, affections & respect are taken for granted and that it is still continuously misunderstood then there is no need to repair those relationships!!!! But still I think they were chosen by me so maybe I can love them from distance!!!!

      There comes a point in your life, where you realize,
      Who matters, who never did, who won't anymore....and who always will be:
      There is always a reason why they didn't make it to your future!!!!

So, I don't worry much about the people from my past now....they can enjoy my life from the balcony......The cycle of life moves on. It brings fresh faces and ideas. It brings new commitments, challenges, hope and fulfillment. Desire to be better, to improve, to take a stand!!

પરસ્પરના જીવનના માર્ગ તો સહેલા બની જશે
છુટ્ટા પડવું જ છે તો ચાલ, હૈયાને સખત કરીએ
હૃદય જેવી તો વસ્તુ ક્યાં રહી છે આ જમાનામાં?
હવે ઓ દિલ, ચાલ કોઈ બુદ્ધિની રમત કરીએ.

     love always billa driftwood.

Bucket List # 1

 The people who knows me, tells me that there will be no end of my wants...so maybe may be in future you might see added list in my blog.... but right now I think only this.

(1) Pack a bag and just leave. No plans. No destination. Just pure whim....

(2) Be a regular at Gym and loose the extra pounds...... (Which will be a great challenge in my life?)

(3) Visit Russia!! My most fascinating country since childhood.

(4) Learn at least one of this two... Waltz---OR---Bharat Natyam... (The forms of Dancing)

(5) Go for a drive with loudest music on beach side. (Preference with open hood sports car & Abida Begum's Rashq ke Bismal Album)

(6) Go to a Night Dance Club where I can dance like crazy 19 years old teen. (Lately bloody this age-syndrome is bothering me little....)

(7) Having my own Music studio....where I can produce my own (voice) labeled CD....or may be some other people's too.

(8) Wants to slap certain people on their face front of their respective spouses. (Don’t ask me why?)

(9) Listen to Abida Parween Live.

(10) Visit to Pakistan OR Afghanistan.

(11) My quest for free from all Social Obligations!!

(12) I would love to play with my Grandchildren....... (Hoping that boys are reading my Blog!!)

(13) Tell all People who wants to see me change; all attempts to modify me will result in failure. I am Genetically made this way. Period.

(14) Go to bed on time by; 11, 00 PM.....and get up in the morning by: 8.00 AM. (Now that will be also a big challenge for me)

(15) Visit rural Rajasthan.

(16) Read at least 3 Books from my list in a year!!

(17) Ride the Trans-Siberian Railway: Railways connects Moscow with Mongolia, China and the Sea of Japan. Longest Railway in the World)

(18) Visit The Petra, Jordan.

Aahhh...for now I think only above this....tell you more may be some other time!!

love always billa driftwood.

Refections!!! Rebounds!!! Recovery!!!

Well, I am a bit exhausted after 3 hectic days travelling!! Yes, again I went at Gujrat side. It was a kind of shopping trip, which I always enjoy but this time I felt very tired!! (Billa age Billa age) Travelling in the night is a experience & risk in India. But anyway I took it, and came home very late. Slept well in the night.....but The Gardner woke me up to give the sad news.The Gardner's nephew N"s father-in-law has died. Only  few days before we went to see him!!
   N & his older brother J both has stayed with me almost 30 years back for schooling from Fiji Islands. They both are now in their prime age & blessed with good life partners & lovely children.The Gardner & I have special bond & tender love for their families.They are The Gardner's oldest brother's boys. The Gardner has 5 brothers & 3 sisters.They all live in USA.
   So where was I....ya got the sad news and talked with N. then talked with boys & my sisters. I have 3 sisters & they also live in the USA. Aahhhh I felt more tired mentally after talking with my sisters......
   Lately when people ask me how I feel about my life,my world,I reply in relation to my small world (which surrounds me only) & big world (which surrounds myself with others) perspectives. I feel my life has never been better. I am happy with my marriage. I have two incredible boys who are doing well and trying to make a better place for themselves in the world. I can maintain good relationships in same reciprocated feelings. I live in great two continents,have beautiful houses. I have travelled well, seen well & done almost everything possibly done!! I am in good shape (not body wise) of my mind & health. Most of the time I feel really lucky & blessed.
    But that's about my own small world. What I feel about the big world is a different story. I am more disillusioned then ever with my so called set up.......since 30 years I tried something different....... tried to make more closeness......tried to live like my Father's principles......his idea of living, ignoring some facts & acknowledging only togetherness...... but lately I am more discouraged by all events, happenings!! It is all ill-founded, unwanted situations and creating more problems then it is solving. The idea of staying togethere is going in different direction!! And I always thought we were different, we were different breed,our blood line is different!!!!!!! But no I have made myself fool for believing that!!! I was stupid living in some illusions!! I was idiot!! I didn't listen wise words from my loved ones and went against them. I tried to bring big (superficial) world more closer!! I should have concentrated more on my small world!! I feel same with some other relations also.....so is there anything wrong with me or does it happens with everyone at certain age?? Does everyone passes through same disturbances in their life at certain situations??Does I need to be change?? Or does the nature takes care of everything?? I would love to know that!!!
  But today right now I feel more lousy,helpless,angry mostly at myself. I am frustrated and impatient!! A bit overwhelmed & thinking through a lot.... I don't want to focus on the negatives. I am just wishing we all could do better. Seriously, this is so messed up!!!
   I think I should give it some time & leave it its own healing. And then.......we will see... but still I can't stop thinking about it!! If you can't get something off your mind, may be its supposed to be there !! We will see!! Because when I reflect on my life, I can think of so many specific circumstances where My Malik has brought me out of these situations. So I will want for again his Mehar. I know we all will grant his Mehar as we all are children of Blessed Parents!! They should not be laughing at us....only smiling at us in tenderness.
   Lately I lie awake,
   Sleeping disturbed, open eyes,
   Wandering in the desert of thoughts,
   But slipping away sand from my tired mind.

કાચના ઘરમાં રહી પત્થર તણાં સોદા કર્યાં
એમ હાથેથી પછી એકએક ઘર ઓછા કર્યાં
નખ વધારી હાથની ત્વચાને ચીરી છે અમે
અંગ પરથી અંગના અંગો બધા નોખાં કર્યાં
આ અડાયા પણ હવે પોતાપણું ભૂલી ગયાં
તાપનારે   ખુદના    હિસાબ   સૌ   ખોટા   કર્યાં.
   love always billa....again thrown in the river hoping to find my driftwood!!
 

Self Indulgent!!!

This terrible persistent cold of mine is draining my all energy. My vocal cord are damaged!! They are sounding so harsh that I can sing Lata Mangeshkar songs in K L Saigal's voice!!!!! It is a terrible lousy condition to be in. I blame it to my low immune system or to this changing climate over here.Yep the heat waves are in.......If its so hot in February Month then what I will do in May?? I think its matter of adjusting yourself!! You get used to if you don't have choice......but right now I do have so I won't be here in that time of years!!
    Self Indulgent!!! Ha Ha haaa......thats gonna be my favorite subject in this journey!!!! But really because of this cold & no other activities I am complied in the bed. So I am totally with my inner self!! Really loneliness will make you either very spiritual or self analytical....you start analyzing your past and automatically about yourself too. Then depending on your  memory's journey good or bad you refreshes yourself. My friend....always argues with me that she has been advised not to dwell in the past and my arguments is that ya you shouldn't..don't dwell in the past but do remember your past. In my opinion you  yourself is past. Your birth,growing up,indolence age,marriage,struggles establishing yourself.....your first feeling of love, the first fulfilment, the first disappointment, the birth of your firstborn these all are your past!! Even my this word after typing will become past...
   Remembering your past makes you what actually you are!! Yes dwelling or being stuck on particular past is damaging, it makes you stronger on your traits depending good past or bad past!! For myself I mostly remember good past.For me it is always such a joy to go down the memory lane. I see lot of happy memories. I make myself to remember those people who has made my life more enjoyable,more breathable. And yes except some non important people do bring bad past.....but  I don't dwell in it.
   And yes very dear own people sometimes due to their circumstances will also bring bad past...... but here I want to to talk about my one trait which allows me to handle the past in very subtle nature. I have many character flaws which I have made publish in this blog. But this peticuler one I am noticing nowadays mostly. Anyway, I am going to talk about about this character trait of mine that is equal parts of blessing and curse. "I am adaptable".
   Seriously, put me any situation,anywhere  and after an initial phase of shock or anger or sorrow, I will figure a way to be happy. Depending on the gravity of the situations, it may take few hours or few months!! I will adjust myself,my attitude,my point of views. In some dramatic cases may be I take some more time but all in all never I have found myself in despair!! I have always compromised or has given other people little breathing space,even though my own breathing becomes little heavy. I know on the surface this is a good thing. Its what keeps me going and prevent some my very close at heart loved ones for staying with me,understanding me,love me and mostly leave me alone whenever I want to be.
  Now the curse side....whenever the ugly situations comes, negative energy feed your own ones.....you become one of them......when you have to take aggressive decision.....you have to be there......adapt the situation.....I easily become part of it. So many times I have become part of those horrible,wronged situations!! So many times knowingly or unknowing I have created bad past because of my this bad trait. But thats the way I am!! And the fact is one of our ways of coping or adjusting whatever you call it it is a way of embracing our own nature and it should be in  good ways. At least I think so.
   So I think my good side of this trait also helps me remembering my past and readjusting with bad past!! In that situations I feel proud & libreted!! And in the bad side acording to me is I get the blame!! My own heart makes me guilty.I suffer!! But thats the two sides of one coin!! You can't seperat them.
  Love lives in sealed bottles of regrets!!!
love always billa driftwood.

Visitors from USA !!!

The weather is changing!! You can feel now mugginess in the air. Life over here is never dull.....keeps you moving!! Sometimes you feel overwhelmed!!! My stay over here is my ultimate gift ,my festive joy, my happiness. I can not ask for more. My friends makes me  my worthiness!! I find reciprocation of my feelings in same manners!! I feel different person here!! I feel rewarded. I have made myself over comfortable. I have become so used to be with someone. But...... now I want to go back to my other nest....to my boys!! I miss them!! I just confirmed my Air Ticket.....pretty soon I will be in other world, different world!! I am ready for being alone for sometime..........
   Last week we had visitors from USA. Mr & Mrs Shrivastva. They are in-laws of The Gardner's nephew.They are very respectable & simple human beings. We have always admire them. The Gardner had always admired them for instilling higher values in their children. Its been a delight to be among with them. I called Gujrals, Kotharys & Behls for dinner for the company. It did feel good & refreshing!! There was interesting conversations, sharing some ideas ,knowing each other in different ways, different cultures, food and in general a most pleasant evening.
   Next day we took them to 'Koteshvar'. The Koteshvar Temple is at the far end of the land at the Arabian Sea, not very far from borders of Pakistan!! The drive was long & exhausting. I remembered my last visit with my sisters & Chef Son last year. He hates to travel long so I bribed him 'Karachi lights'. (Pakistan city lights) And only for that attraction he joined us!! Ha ha ha....any way it is a long drive almost for 5 hours....the whole driving he was miserable & made us too!! We reached in the evening and he was not ready to stay further for night.....not for 'The Karachi Lights".....he was so irritated!!! The Karachi Lights became common joke between us....It brought smile on my face. I felt same today but not irritated but little tired. But I really enjoyed their company. I hope they also enjoyed their brief stay with us.
  Going to any Temples or any act that involves divinity, prayers and submitting yourself to unknown higher forces is always mostly satisfying & uplifting. We feel strong. We feel protected. Mostly we feel at peace. No matter what faith you belong, whom you worship...... the Holy Places anywhere...makes you feel same. I think your faith helps you to feel that. At least I feel that.
   Lately I am feeling so lousy with myself... I think I am going to be sick. I am getting cold. So I will take more rest...and what else....more siestas!!!
  Good Quote-Love yourself, flirt with your understanding, romance with your dreams, get engaged with simplicity, merry genuineness, divorce ego, Hmmmm feel good with yourself!!!

love always & ever billa driftwood.