Judgmental...

                                                       Then

 One of the most painful natures of the human life is the moments of judgment when you are judged for your worth, when you are judged for your values, your abilities and mostly your appearances… Same is a via-verse you judge for others. Most people judge them the best. Ability of the judgments in balance of others is always tough. It is so easy to be judgmental and so difficult to be judged.

And Now....

     Two days before it happened with me!! Well first let me tell you little about me… I am little short and little healthier on my outer side. (I hate to call myself fat or plump or even obese)) And I needed to buy few tops for my summer trip. So I go to my regular store where exactly I know what they have & what I want. But here goes my bad luck…that stupid smart looking red top… I thought it was my size but it didn’t fit me…damn it was little tight on my waist side. So disappointed I called for the help and got the bigger size… which was too big for me. So when I was about to leave the store without buying anything than that help, a lady (super figure conscious psycho, feebly looking) came to me and said,” You should try at maternity department.” What?? “Which month are you in?” What?? She saw confusion & irritated expression on my face… She said, oh I am sorry I thought… I exploded, what did you thought? Are you trying to tell me that all the ladies who has little big stomach, they all are suppose to be pregnant??  What are you thinking? Can’t you make a difference between a pregnant lady & little fat lady?? Here I go; I impulsively called myself fat & that made me angry. Because I don’t call that to myself or allow to others. I felt somebody violated my privacy. How can she judge me like that on my appearance? I left the store furiously in bad mood… poor lady just stood there in the shock, wondering what she said!
      Well, driving back home I cooled down. Back home I tried to look in the mirror to double check and I laughed!! Well not exactly like pregnant, but I do have put on lot of weight on my belly side. I blame it to my India stay…(thanks to my two super cooks and four course meal a day) I blame it to that horrific but so mouthwatering my new discovered Butter Almond Ice Cream… I blame it to the Gardner’s absence, as I eat more junk food. (you know that I don’t cook during that time) Well, you have to blame on something or someone right? Man seriously I must do something!

     You know I always end up of thinking that the missing ingredient which will bring magic to my life. Today while talking with the Gardner, I felt that it is nothing but sheer lack of dedication & determination in my life I’ve become very lazy & lethargic and I need to change. I crib about my pain in my legs (well, well acomplished & certified Doctor's opinion is that it is because of my being little overweight) & complain about my belly flab. I get irritated in the stores when smart outfit doesn’t fit me, but I never do anything... may be for that moment…for that time only I feel motivated and enthusiastic to lose weight here & there…but then it is too short lived to even talk about. While driving back then home I decided to be more disciplined on my eating habits, but then in the night I totally forgot & had ice-cream.

Body; Your weakness sickens me,such a pretty girl wasted. The lines in your face, ageing away your youth every seconds. How do you stand it? Can't you feel the air getting thin? Time giving in next year, next year!

I promised the face in my mirror

I will do better next year.

    While remembering my past,my  so called attempts, to be thinner on some part of my stature…so many yo-yo diets, so many diet pills… (here I want to blame it to my Taciturn sister to make me indulge with those, ’Flabolin 40.’…well my blame it on phycology indeed  is handy)…not to forget that my stupid mistake of registering myself with that high-Fy gym for a whole year, with my auto credit card monthly payment. I barely went there for a week… (I blame it to that clever, captivated sales person) Those European body wraps… I should have known that it was only a gimmick, but you don’t question your own intelligence! The most failed one was that Lemon-Cayan Pepper-Maple syrup (all must be Organic, you know and belive me my search took me to the places where one lemon will cost you only $3.99, and you need at least 8 per day... ) colon cleansing diet…ha ha ha, seriously I did tried that for almost three whole days…( 10 days are must) hoping to see those promised Alien Perasites from my colon waste... only I found... forget it... don't remind me of those tormented days...

     Seriously, I have to do something about this. I give up on myself too soon… I leave it half way too often… It’s high time I give myself a punch & make myself aware more about my appearance… I have to make efforts to fit me in that stupid but gorgeous top…( if I fit in smaller size, that will be bonus…may be more walnuts or almonds on ice-creme on occasional times, ha ha) I know I look gorgeous but, if I want to look more superb gorgeous, I’ve to be disciplined.

     So, long story cut short I shouldn’t be mad at that sales lady. I simply should have brushed away her by keeping my calm. It’s always better to go ahead in life with our hearts and mind open rather than jumping to conclusions. Who knows all facts lie beneath the fancy exteriors?

There is no one

Who can hurt me

Like myself

For I cam take a simple statement

And twist it around in my mind

Till my body trembles with pain

And I wonder how anyone

Could be so cruel. To say such a thing

Yes, given enough time, my imagination

Can make the proverbial mountain

Out of a molehill.

સાવ ચીંથરેહાલ આખી ઝીંદગી ભટક્યા કર્યું,

આખરી ક્ષણને હવે શણગારવાનું મન થયું.

જોખમી દાવો લગાવ્યા કાળના જુગારમાં,

ને હવે જીતેલ બાજી હારવાનું મન થયું.

આઇનામાં ખુદને મળવાની ઘણી ઈચ્છા હતી;

લ્યો,મળ્યા તો કેમ આંસુ સારવાનું મન થયું?

love as ever billa driftwood