Dilemma in life

 Well, I am back to another home! There's a feeling of excitement that I am goanna meet someone... Its looks like I am being away for too long and coming back is so full of joy, being with your boys... just a great feeling being wanted!! But still the difference of timings keeps me awake at odd hours or makes me doze off...It’s so cold here opposite to back home in India. My all woolen clothes are packed & it’s in the storeroom so I don't have much choice but put on more layers!! A sudden chill or allergy had overtaken me and cold & sneezing has caught me again. I feel so miserable, my nose feels like erupted volcano & voice is like feared dog, owe owe... I think its dust in the house...but can't complain so took some allergy medicine & feeling little better. But that has made my night sleep disturbed.
       The problem with me is I don't like dirty house... I have always differed with my boys on this subject!! My euphoric Son will always tell me that my concept of cleaning & theirs is very different... piles of clothes here & there, leaving wet towel on bed, leaving dirty dishes any where or in the sink for don't ask me from how many days... that's very common in their generation, I shouldn't mind that...Well I am trying...but dame I remember one more thing, an empty pizza box in the fridge from how long only God knows... Should I throw it or leave it? When these boys will learn? When they will learn to clean their own mess? That's my dilemma!! Any way I spent the entire day cleaning & restoring the house... without disturbing The Silver Tongue.
      Ha-ha… Dilemmas of any subjects are my own creation!! Well that's my euphoric Chef son's expression... mom that all is in your mind...you think too much on negative side and then you JINX everything. May be ...OK... ya ... he is right in certain point... on thinking yes but negative & JINXING or whatever that means... no never. I don't think so. From my childhood debating on all subjects I am like that...thinking too much, analyzing all subjects in detail (I think I have inherited that from my Father... Lamna jikwa in my Mother's expression) but on positive side, always hoping for good, always for better posibilites. In my point of view even today I think like that so I can't be label as negative person. But if I see some negative points in something OR someone then definitely I will bring notice to them! So nobody should try to change that.
    I still remember back in school, my friend Renu & I were given a subject to take part in school debates. We had to speak on both side negative & positive. I would always select benefit or positive subject. My teacher Deepakben((very strong headed woman who has lot influence in my today's personality)) will always try to pacify me in changing my selection but in vain... NOPE....and funnily you know??Most of the time Renu WON... and I used to wonder why? What am I lacking? It always puzzled me... But now with my life's experiences I know that she won not because of the way we spoke but because...negativity makes you listen very carefully!! It attracts you in the beginning... and with ability of your judgments it makes your visions very clear to see the positive side!! So she got all the points for showing the true side of the subjects. Think about it and you yourself will see more points on negative side of any subjects. It’s like opposite attracts!! It makes you very cautious if only you notice it very carefully. Just notice it only...don't adapt it, don't accept it, don't dwell on it OR don't JINX it on whatever negative factor crosses your mind. Ha-ha, let’s see what my son thinks on this!!
     Believe me I have handled my negatives in a very hopeful ways!! I did try to have a nervous breakdown!! But my brain is a survivor. It always hopes for a hope!!  In every negative situation it finds a new hope... I don't know from where or how!! I tried to have nervous breakdown for me & for others too... Truly so many times there I am on my way to a perfect justified emotional meltdown...and that Hope comes back…
      And honestly at times it makes me really angry ...because instantly by contrast it seems more peaceful, so much easier than staying with hope in your life!! In any disasters I have probably always, a way out, or a plan that is seeing things through even if there were a slim chance of its working!! Why I didn't allow those things to happen? Why not face all the consequences? Why didn't I go through all the pain process and worked hard to avoid that (for me & others too) - for a single ray of hope? I am sure people who knows me better or understands me better will  know what I am talking or feeling about... because my that hope might... might not suitable for other's lives which I thought I can make better for them... that I can solve their situations in my hopeful ways... perhaps not.
     
                                   What I am waiting for!
                  Am I waiting for a call or to make a call?
     It’s no good waiting, for someone else to beat your drum.
  Go get up. Get out & make a fresh start and shake your hands.

अपनी हालत का खुद एहसास नहीं है हमको

मैंने औरो से सुना है की परेशान हूँ मै.

love always billa driftwood, not wanting to swift away in the so called river of life.